Categories
Health Life Lately

I Haven’t Written in a While (word vomit)

I had grand plans of writing at least once a week once quarantine began, but I haven’t. I think it would be good for my soul and all that if I did but for some reason, it’s easier to just not.

Today is day 41. Since then, I’ve left my house for some walks (which I have since traded in for scenic treadmill walks) and 2 doctor’s appointments. Groceries have been delivered, either by my gracious mother, my brother-in-law or the ever lovely Instacart.

I am grateful that we live in a comfortable home, that makes quarantine not so bad at all. I am grateful for a job that I can continue to do remotely (especially during the third trimester). I am grateful to be quarantined with someone I absolutely love and enjoy spending time with. I am grateful for my health, the health of my family, and the health of our baby.

While I am grateful for all these things, I am beginning to feel a bit cooped up. And that’s okay. I can be grateful and frustrated simultaneously. I wish I knew when it would be safe to go get breakfast with a friend or go for a walk in my neighborhood without anxiety. I wish I had no worries about what the world will look like when our baby decides to make her appearance. I wish I knew a lot of things.

In the meantime, I will take it day by day. I will follow the news (but not too closely). I will continue to connect with the people I care about through FaceTime and messages. I will soak in the extra time I get to spend with my husband, just the two of us. It’s a special treat almost, before our baby’s arrival. I will continue to reflect on all the goodness there is in life.

When this is over, I will try to remember how this period of time was and not take for granted being able to hug my dad or see my friends. While this period of time is rough for some, it’s also a blessing in disguise. It’s allowed me to slow down, to rest. We don’t get a lot of time for that, and when we do, we often feel guilt. I am loving being able to leisurely read a book in the morning, or chat with my husband. My daily naps have become a highlight of my day. Taking is slow is just so damn nice. I hope to continue some of this slowness when the world is back to “normal.”

Categories
Pregnancy

Seasonal Affective Disorder and Pregnancy

Pregnancy is meant to be one of the happiest periods of your life. There’s nothing like that feeling of growing a whole new human in your womb. It overpowers the nausea, sleepless nights and body pains that come with the magic.

I am happy about this pregnancy. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time and I wouldn’t wish it away. But… I feel sad. There’s no reason to feel sad, but I just am. It’s that deep sadness, the kind that’s stuck in your throat and makes it hard to swallow. It’s the sadness that comes to haunt me from November until March of every year. My seasonal sadness.

I’m used to this sadness. My usual bandaid is to book a trip to a far away place with sunshine and delicious food. Unfortunately, I can’t utilize this bandaid now. My pregnancy hasn’t been easy and I would never forgive myself if something happened if I were to travel.

So I’m forced to deal with it.

It’s hard guys. I don’t know how to deal with this. I feel immense guilt for being sad while I’m pregnant. I feel guilty that I feel jealous when I see friends traveling and going to hot yoga (my two favorite things that I cannot partake in at the moment). I feel terrible when the thoughts “I hate pregnancy” cross my mind.

I’ve spent a good deal of time over the last few weeks crying. Yesterday, I cried in the middle of brushing my teeth. Today, I cried at least 8 times. It’s fracking hard.

I know I’m not the first woman to deal with sadness while pregnant. I know I’m not the first to feel guilt. I’m hoping I can turn this around and figure out a new way to deal.

Today, I went out and bought a ball of yarn and some knitting needles. Clearly, I am desperate. I just needed to get that off my chest. Because maybe someone else out there is sad too, and they needed to hear that it’s okay. Because it is okay. You can be thrilled and sad at the same time. The human body is a crazy thing.

Categories
Pregnancy

My First Post… On Pregnancy

Tah-dah! I’m pregnant. Knocked up. Bun is in THE oven (I don’t even like bread though – we’ll pretend it’s a cassava flour challah or something).

At the moment, I’m 11 weeks pregnant. I am so close to being out of the first trimester and into the safety of the second. Over the last few months, I’ve learned a lot. I feel like at the end of this, the hospital should award me another Master’s degree or something. So here are my musings so far on the whole process…

  • I am exhausted.

Like exhausted beyond belief. I thought I knew what tired was. I was wrong. At the beginning, there were days where I would take 4 (FOUR!) naps! The exhaustion has gotten better, but I’m still drained. I feel like I do the bare minimum to get through the day and only look forward to sleep. As Drake said… “I only love my bed (and my mama), I’m sorry”! I’ve also found it difficult to get back to sleep after peeing in the middle of the night for the umpteenth time. I used to look at my phone to see the time, but that was a guaranteed way to get even less sleep. I still haven’t hacked this one yet, but I’ll keep you informed!

  • Food has become a foe.

I love food. Like LOVE food. Food and I have an interesting relationship that is decades old but we’ve been at peace with one another for the last year or so. Until now. I’ll make a meal, and get excited to eat it. First bite? Bleh. I can’t. My diet has been a lot of pickles, “healthy” chicken nuggets (don’t judge me), kombucha, half a cup of decaf coffee a day and whatever odds and ends I can manage.

I did find one hack though! I’ve been trying to up my collagen intake in part to help the baby grow strong, and in part to reduce stretch marks. I was trying to force collagen down via green juice (my only form of vegetables sometimes) but I was having a hard time with it. I read the book Real Food for Pregnancy by Lily Nichols and she had a recipe for collagen gummies. I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT GELATIN IS WHAT MAKES THOSE DELICIOUS GUMMY BEARS! So… I made a batch. 1.5 cups of 100% cherry juice mixed with 4 tablespoons of collagen over low heat, then placed into a container and in the fridge for an hour. BAM. Collagen gummies… that I can tolerate! The cherry juice is great before bed because of the natural melatonin and the sour taste helps with stomach upset so it’s a win-win-win in my book!

  • I cry. A lot.

I’ve always been pretty sensitive. I cry when I read sad books and watch a heartbreaking scene in a movie. My sensitivity has peaked though. I think I cried 8 times yesterday. None of the reasons I cried were cry worthy. Once, I cried because a restaurant was out of some food I wanted. I also cried in the fitting room when I could no longer fit into my pre-pregnancy size. It’s ridiculous and I have no clue how my husband will survive this terrible symptom.

  • My anxiety has never been this high.

Going along with being a naturally sensitive person, I am also a naturally anxious person. Anxiety for me is a double edged sword. I get what I need to get done, but I often feel shitty while doing it. I worry about the baby often. After a doctor’s appointment, I feel relief after hearing the heartbeat, but soon after, I start to worry again. Is the womb cozy enough? Does he need more blankets? Hows the temp?

Mantras have really helped. “Today, I am pregnant.” “My body is capable.” Lame stuff like that, while breathing in for a count of four, and out for a count of four have done wonders for me. Keeping my mind busy has helped too. I’ve been reading more than usual (there’s SO much information about babies out there!) I hope this anxiety settles at the next ultrasound and when we are safely out of the first trimester.

  • I am flipping excited.

Yo, I am a baby making machine. My body is changing every day and I’m noticing (so are the students in my class, however they just think I’m getting phat). I cannot wait until baby M is here! I know there will be a lot of adjustment and learning, but I am ready! Bring it on, mama nature!