Life, Lately

This last month has been rough for me, and for my entire family. I broke down. I cracked. I have a clue as to what triggered it, but I think it was a long time coming. The lack of sleep for the last three months, coupled with my anxious tendencies, mixed with postpartum blues. I wonder often why I couldn’t handle it. Where did I go wrong and what could I have done differently? I knew early into postpartum that something was wrong. I knew it was more than the postpartum blues but I figured that if I was able to function, I was alright. I was alright, until I wasn’t.

An ER trip, an anti-depressant prescription and a leave from work later, here I am. I got to a bad place. I felt unreal and empty and so damn sad. I’m trying to move forward and do what I need to do to heal. I started going to see my therapist twice a week. I entered an intensive therapy treatment program that involves 3 hours of group therapy per day. I’m reading and writing more. I got a membership to the arboretum to spend more time outside. I deleted social media from my phone and I’ve been taking my medicine. I’m trying to eat more. I’m trying.

I want to be the mother, wife and friend that is there for the people she loves. I am so grateful that the people who love me were there for me. While it’s been a crap month, at least I can say I have a bomb support group. I could not imagine doing it alone.

I’m seeing improvements. I’m feeling more joy when I am with my daughter. When I take walks, I’m noticing the colors of the flowers. I’m able to calm myself down sometimes. I don’t know if it’s because of the medicine, or because of my own efforts but I am so thankful to be seeing some changes. I know I have a long way to go still, but I am just glad to not be at the very bottom anymore.

No one talks about how lonely motherhood can be. I anticipated that I would be tired, but I never imagined it meant not sleeping more than three hours at a time for months. I wish we talked about it more. I wish it wasn’t painted to be rainbows and butterflies and smiles. Sometimes it is – when your kid does something for the first time and they smile. A lot of times (at least for me) it wasn’t and I’m trying to acknowledge that that is perfectly okay too.