Where I’m Rushing To

If I could figure that out, it would make life a lot easier to understand.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve rushed. I rush through tasks, I rush through stages of life, I rush through damn near everything.

I rush through fun stuff… in anticipation of the next chore I need to tackle. I rush through chores to get through the fun stuff. It’s a disgusting circle. I want to slow down. I want to be the type of person who can stop and smell the roses. I want to stop and appreciate what’s in front of me.

Why do I do this? Why do I rush? Is it just a product of the times – the fast paced, go-go-go lifestyle that we live? Am I rushing so I don’t have to think about what’s on my mind?

It’s hard for me to sit and be. Movies are hard for me to watch – they require me to be idle for far too long. I wish I could just watch a movie and not think about what’s next but I can’t.

I can’t for now… at least. I’m going to learn to slow the hell down. I’ve lived the first 26 years of my life rushing it away and I’m not going to rush away the next 26 years. I’m going to figure out how to breathe and appreciate. I want to remember every detail of my daughter as a baby. I want to remember sweet moments between my husband and I.

I’ve started using a meditation app while I sit in the sauna. I’ve started breathing when I find my mind rushing to the next thing. I’ve started to stop and think.

I have a lot of unpacking to do mentally. I have a lot of repressed thoughts and memories that have been brewing somewhere deep within me for years and only after having my daughter have they surfaced. I need to unpack them, hold them in my hand, sift them through my fingers. I need to then let them go.

Maybe then I’ll be able to stop rushing.

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